When Selflessness becomes Self-defeating ... and what to do about it.

I know some incredibly selfless people... friends and family who give and give and give without an accounting and without an expectation for a return on their investment. Unfortunately, some of these great people also get defeated, deflated and depressed. Why?

1. They secretly hope for payback for their service
2. They hope to "change" those they serve
3. They hope to change their circumstances by their acts of service

In most cases, defeat and depression is a result of all 3 problems being present, and so the answers to these 3 challenges must all be interdependent. Consider them in whole, and not in separate parts.

We've already discussed that one seeking payback for service is simply acting out of the selfishness all humans suffer, and will be equally disappointed. The "reward" for one's service is the act itself, the doing of the good, the internal satisfaction for helping another. If you are looking for payback, your investment will crumble in your hand. Even in the best relationships, marriages even, the giving is not 50/50. As Chuck Swindoll said, the proper perspective is 100/100. You give 100%. You worry not what your partner gives - your only task is to give 100%.

Increasingly you will find that your efforts to "change" others will frustrate you, infuriate you and exacerbate your "stuck-ness." It is not others you are about changing, it is YOU you are about changing. Your change comes inside and outside. Inside as you feel more peace, self-confidence and fulfillment. Outside as you communicate and demonstrate your positiveness and encouragement; and as you role-model a better way to live. Don't feel it yet? Don't show it yet? Give more, serve more, live more... with the understanding that it is about the change in you, and not them. This is freedom!

Can you serve and give your way out of your circumstances? It is tempting to think you can. But there is no promise anywhere that you can. Even though many Bible readers have interpreted scripture to say so, God does not promise riches for your tithing, nor for your volunteerism or sacrifice. God promises His grace, His presence and His comfort.

When would I know that I have given enough to earn this grace? If I compare myself to other givers and servants, can I know if I am in the top 1 million? Well, as I understand it, this grace is everlasting and infinite. I can't out-give it and I can't out-serve it. And aside from some of the faithful, perhaps like Moses, St. Paul and Mother Teresa, I don't think there is even a top 20, and I know I'm not in it.

Feeling trapped? Feeling like it's everyone else's agenda? Perhaps this is where it is more important to look internally for the answers to your questions. Who are you, really? What baggage are you carrying? What hang-ups are you hanging on the hems of your garments, and laying on the shoulders of those you might try to serve? It may seem counter-intuitive to the whole philosophy of Selflessness to focus on your self, but without a strong sense of who you are, you cannot really help anyone else. You will go on with your martyrdom and neither please those around you, nor gain any satisfaction for yourself.

So in sum, it's not about who you are with or where you are, but who you are and where you are going. Where are you going, in this life and the next?