When Selflessness becomes Self-defeating ... and what to do about it.

I know some incredibly selfless people... friends and family who give and give and give without an accounting and without an expectation for a return on their investment. Unfortunately, some of these great people also get defeated, deflated and depressed. Why?

1. They secretly hope for payback for their service
2. They hope to "change" those they serve
3. They hope to change their circumstances by their acts of service

In most cases, defeat and depression is a result of all 3 problems being present, and so the answers to these 3 challenges must all be interdependent. Consider them in whole, and not in separate parts.

We've already discussed that one seeking payback for service is simply acting out of the selfishness all humans suffer, and will be equally disappointed. The "reward" for one's service is the act itself, the doing of the good, the internal satisfaction for helping another. If you are looking for payback, your investment will crumble in your hand. Even in the best relationships, marriages even, the giving is not 50/50. As Chuck Swindoll said, the proper perspective is 100/100. You give 100%. You worry not what your partner gives - your only task is to give 100%.

Increasingly you will find that your efforts to "change" others will frustrate you, infuriate you and exacerbate your "stuck-ness." It is not others you are about changing, it is YOU you are about changing. Your change comes inside and outside. Inside as you feel more peace, self-confidence and fulfillment. Outside as you communicate and demonstrate your positiveness and encouragement; and as you role-model a better way to live. Don't feel it yet? Don't show it yet? Give more, serve more, live more... with the understanding that it is about the change in you, and not them. This is freedom!

Can you serve and give your way out of your circumstances? It is tempting to think you can. But there is no promise anywhere that you can. Even though many Bible readers have interpreted scripture to say so, God does not promise riches for your tithing, nor for your volunteerism or sacrifice. God promises His grace, His presence and His comfort.

When would I know that I have given enough to earn this grace? If I compare myself to other givers and servants, can I know if I am in the top 1 million? Well, as I understand it, this grace is everlasting and infinite. I can't out-give it and I can't out-serve it. And aside from some of the faithful, perhaps like Moses, St. Paul and Mother Teresa, I don't think there is even a top 20, and I know I'm not in it.

Feeling trapped? Feeling like it's everyone else's agenda? Perhaps this is where it is more important to look internally for the answers to your questions. Who are you, really? What baggage are you carrying? What hang-ups are you hanging on the hems of your garments, and laying on the shoulders of those you might try to serve? It may seem counter-intuitive to the whole philosophy of Selflessness to focus on your self, but without a strong sense of who you are, you cannot really help anyone else. You will go on with your martyrdom and neither please those around you, nor gain any satisfaction for yourself.

So in sum, it's not about who you are with or where you are, but who you are and where you are going. Where are you going, in this life and the next?

The Best Relationships are Inconvenient

Why would a relationship be inconvenient? If that significant person calls, your heart tells you you must respond. You know that he has been there for you and you must be there for him. Trivial responses such as "we're doing fine" won't do for a question about your family. And even more so, an "I'll pray for you" won't do when your friend needs help.

What is the secret ingredient that calls for this higher level of action? It cannot be merely obligation. We've already established that we are selfish and self-centered. Obligations are easily pushed aside when things get inconvenient.

You've already guessed it. It is love. More than one prophet said, and clearly God in the flesh said, "Love your Neighbor." Jesus told the story of the Good Samaritan and wrapped it up by asking his audience, "Who was the neighbor to this man?" The answer was, the Good Samaritan. What was the original discussion that led to this story? Jesus had said, "Love your Neighbor." Someone in the crowd asked, "Who is my Neighbor?"

Picture yourself then, as the man robbed, beaten and left for dead on the roadside. A person from another culture, who your family has told you not to love, is the only one who helps you. And his help is very inconvenient. Once you've recovered, how will you respond?

NOW...
Picture yourself going down the road and finding a person from another culture, a person who your family has told you is untrustworthy, unkind, unclean. The person has been beaten, robbed and left for dead. You have a choice. This is going to be inconvenient.

Find Out What You Do Well and Do More of It

On a rudimentary level, strengths are the things you do well. On a more sophisticated level, a strength is a pattern of behavior, thoughts and feelings that produces a high degree of satisfaction and pride; generates both physic and/or financial reward; and presents measurable progress toward excellence.

THE FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF A STRENGTH

ONE: LISTEN FOR YEARNINGS
Characterized as the pull or attraction to one activity over another, a process that begins in early childhood and continues. Think of a yearning you have in your work, the things you look forward to working on or that draw you back …

TWO: WATCH FOR SATISFACTIONS
Satisfactions are those experiences where the emotional and physic rewards are great. Competencies and satisfactions are not always partners. If it doesn’t feel good you are not practicing a strength. Think of the things you do at work that consistently bring satisfaction…maybe the work was tough, but the reward was strong, memorable and lasting.

THREE: WATCH FOR RAPID LEARNIG
If you catch on quickly to something your likely to be good at it. Naturals are those who learn by “jumping in”. Slow learning is evidence of a non-strength. It can never be discounted on the assumption that a person will “get it someday”. Think of things you pick up very quickly at work, and within days, or even hours, others are asking you to show them how to do it.

FOUR: GLIMPSES OF EXCELENCE
You can spot a strength by glimpsing a moment of excellence within a performance. Only the trained eye can glimpse moments of excellence. One of the most effective ways to master this technique is by studying success. Think of things you’ve done when you were complimented on your excellence, when someone used words like, “perfect, excellent job, or well-done.”

FIVE: TOTAL PERFORMANCE OF EXCELLENCE
Total performance of excellence is a flow of successful behavior, when there are no conscious steps in the mind of the performer. Total performance isn’t a glimpse but the complete extension of an activity. It doesn’t happen occasionally, but each time the activity is performed.
One final test of total performance is the improvement of activity over a period of time. The satisfaction gained by total performance will cause a person to want to repeat it, but with repetition must come improvement. Think of times when you have “lost yourself” in the execution of your work, when the effort was effortless and the success was repeatable and sustainable.

Adapted from: Soar With Your Strengths, Donald O. Clifton and Paula Nelson, Bantam Doubleday Dell, NY, 1992

Discipline = Leadership = Service

A disciple is simply one who is following a discipline. A disciple steps out to become a role model for others who might adopt the discipline. A disciple is a leader. But all those who would seek to become "first" among others, must be willing to become "last." A leader is a servant to those he or she leads. A leader guides, helps, resources, mentors, shepherds and cares for those reviewing and considering the discipline.

Discipline = Leadership = Service
Disciple = Leader = Servant

Testing your readiness to assume leadership responsibility begins with having a core of spirit, faith, passion and the understanding that your power is outside of your self. It is followed with the acquisition of wisdom, experience, knowledge and mental preparation. The first of these is crucial and most important, and with it, and gap in the second step can be covered.

- with man, these things are impossible, but with God, all things are possible.

If you question your mental preparation, wisdom or experience, you might resist taking on the mantle of discipline, but if you have faith and passion for the pursuit, then I believe you are challenged (and called) to step out into the lesser known.

Remember, discipleship is a love affair. Thus, so is leadership and service.